Warning: Some major ranting ahead, please do not read if in a bad mood.
I know that I’ve been gone for a long time, and I am really sorry for it. I may not be back for a long time again, sorry for that too. But everything seems to be a mess, I see all you beautiful people living, loving and posting out there. And I wonder if anything is the matter with me.
For, each post that I do not write seems like each opportunity I missed out on being me.
I have always known that I am not a very ambitious person, not at all career-centric, no inborn talents to speak of. And I see everyone out there who are doing things they like, things that normal people are supposed to do and they enjoy it. Then, is something wrong with me. Everywhere I look, I see ads saying some BS like “Chase life, chase your dreams” But dreams have never been so clear to me. My dreams consist of small things like reading a book while sunshine warms my feet. Like sit amid-st some green green trees and do nothing. But these are so minute that they are meaningless to be called as dreams. I have been working in a software firm for over three and a half years now, I know that it is one of the best companies to work for and that a lot of people would die to be in this position. But something rankles and something rattles my mind…. and my heart. I feel like this is not what I want to do, but then what do I WANT to do. Every time I think of a sabbatical or quitting, I see colors. Glorious colors of the aurora borealis, the pretty turquoises and the sunny yellows. But then WHAT NEXT looms over my head. And everything goes back to being Black & White.
The routine trudging from the home to the office and office to home seems to me like something out of a scene of 1984. The roads speak to me, they say “Don’t I know you enough already?!” Even moving cities hasn’t helped me. Sure, it’s different but a major chunk a.k.a 9 hours of the day are gone in the same old routine of work. People ask me what I would do if I quit, but I do not know!! Sometimes I think I want to NOT have a plan. After all Indians are about plans. They know what their unborn kid is going to be, they know what the next day is going to give them.
So tell me, does NOT having a plan, an ambition, a passion make a bad person or just a sad one?!